Dissolving Expectations
The expectations we have for ourselves, and those we place on others, can debilitate our relationship. Learn how to understand where your expectations are coming from.
We all have many unconscious scripts choreographing our dance through life. They constantly trip us up, putting us out of rhythm, demanding more from us. Often, we also place these invisible demands on others. We expect them to act or speak in a certain way that pleases us. Having all of this often-unspoken information and expectations between one another can be detrimental to any relationship.
Whether we perceive something as a good or bad experience, it moulds our belief system from a very early age. Even the most subtle expectation we feel directed from, or towards, family, society, lovers, friends, or colleagues can create unnecessary stress, conflict, and control. At a deeper level there will be underlying feelings of insecurity, impatience, suspicion, disappointment, betrayal, or neglect.
Speaking from experience as an ex-perfectionist, I was born and raised in an environment where I was praised heavily for my loyalty to people older than me and authority figures. I was punished for sitting around doing nothing and banished to my bedroom for speaking or laughing out of turn at the dinner table. These expectations put on me were obviously passed down from many generations of experience of how to parent. As a result, for most of my adult life, I was frustrated at those who I believed were not working hard enough. I always strived to be the best and to be ‘right’. When I wasn’t correct, I was struck with shame and guilt. This led to many dark moments.
The feeling of not being enough saw me try to distance myself from connecting with others too strongly in case they let me down. This stunted me romantically and saw me disconnect from community groups. I constantly felt betrayed in all areas of my life because of my expectations of how I thought people should act. While I tried to please everyone, I would never have any uncomfortable conversations around the expectations we had for one another prior to the breakdowns or breakups.
I learned that because I never asked what other people expected, I never really knew if others were aligned with my own desired outcomes. Instead, I herded others towards what I believed through my enthusiasm and passion (manipulation). I held stubborn beliefs about respecting authority and what I believed loyalty was within all relationships. I ended up creating unwanted drama through my feelings of what I perceived as betrayals towards me and I still do from time to time.
Can you recognise what your destructive patterns are and when they first started?
Once we start to become more aware of our conditioning by unpacking our own growth experiences, we can start witnessing how others have influenced us. I believe we need to divorce the expectations put upon our parents, schools, and our culture in order to love our life teachers without feeling that our experiences were supposed to be anything other than what they were. Once we can do this, we can then start to question our outdated beliefs from our culture or our childhood in a healthy manner and start thinking from our higher selves. Only then can we start to make conscious choices to acknowledge the different perspectives within our relationships, let our life playmates be their authentic selves and speak our truth while relinquishing control of how others will react or the future outcomes that we cannot control.
We have all had different journeys and teachings through life. If we listen more, we can start to embrace input from others and ensure they feel heard and appreciated, while together we make decisions. We open spaces of trust where we can communicate our boundaries and desires with unwavering confidence and make mutual agreements with all parties involved before entering into co-creations of any kind. We will create clarity in our communication, whether that be more casual open discussions establishing everyone’s needs, or more formal contracts, so we minimise unexpected confrontation.
When we acknowledge where there are expectations put upon ourselves and others, we can start pulling down the silent walls that are dividing us from connection. Through trial and error, we can start to unlearn what we were once taught to be gospel and stay open to the endless possibilities of harmonious outcomes rather than disconnection.
Self-reflection:
Where in your life can you put an agreement in place to strengthen communication and trust? For example, if you are working late who holds that expectation over you?
Words by Justine Jamieson